Not a fairy tale ending but maybe a good ending nonetheless?

I've been posting a load of stupid, useless stuff these days haven't I? None of my posts are really meaningful or insightful or anything. This post probably isn't going to be any different, but at least it won't be about soymilk, sublet, dot, ebay...etc.

I was really struck by the song we sang today at church: "More than enough." I heard this song a million times already, but today, I heard it differently. It stung me, though it never did before. I realized that you could have everything in the world- great people around you, great friendships, a comfortable lifestyle, money + job, clothing, and shelter, but you won't be truly happy without God in your life. If you're spiritually dead, nothing...I mean nothing in the world is going to make you truly happy. I know because I'm feeling it now- this spiritual deadness within me. I've let it consume me these past few days and the funny thing is I'm still letting it consume me. This process has led to bitterness, anger, self-pity...I know I'm falling away from God but somehow this "I don't care" attitude has dominated the "help me" cry. I know I cried in church; I remember I said to God in prayer: Please help me! But after church, I reverted back to the stubborn, defiant ol' me.

This post is so negative right now but you know, I realized this is a reality for many people. Stories don't always start with "I'm struggling and I'm depressed" and end with "but I prayed to God, felt his wonderful light/presence wash over me...forgiving me...cleansing me and now I am redeemed- I have once again found joy in my life!" But don't worry, this post isn't going to end negatively, though a lot of times it does (I know because one of my best friends in High School was never able to reconcile with God again, fell away from Christianity, and became a hard core atheist). The reason is there is always a struggle in between- it's just a matter of whether you can overcome this struggle or not. This struggle is mostly about "Can I really put my faith in God or should I just rely on myself?" The correct answer is obviously: put your faith in God (in CAPS with an exclamation mark at the end), but do you really believe in this answer? Sometimes we don't. And then there's always human's rebellious nature. Never underestimate this innate rebellion against God born from when Adam and Eve first defied God's command.

I'm feeling that rebelliousness within me right now. Even though I know I need Him, I'm saying and I'm feeling 'I don't care!' and 'God, I just finished that whole fiasco with my other roommate back in the cottage and now this?! I deserve a break! I hardly attended any of my lectures these past 6 weeks- I'm failing school and now I have to deal with this? I need a break." (Why is the kit kat commercial popping up in my head...) Now I'm just being childish. Yikes, I'm going off a tangent...this is why I'm an ENFP...my short attention span strikes again.

My main point is despite all this turmoil, all this struggle, all this hodgepodge of junk (mostly junk like junk thoughts: "I can't believe she lied to me...I can't believe she did this...I can't believe this is happening to me... or "What if my sublet's this evil evil person...what if?" or the "Rights" thoughts- "This is my right to have a break...I have a right to do this because this..that..this that...it's only FAIR that way" or my junk emotions: anger, bitterness, hate, self-pity....), I got to step back and see the big picture: without God, I will never be happy. And then, somehow, every itty bitty little thing just sort of vaporizes. These past few days, I may have done DT...I may have prayed...and I may have gone to church, but my mind was never really on God- my heart was never really with God, it was always elsewhere.

And this is when a chorus of angels come up to sing "HALLELUJAH!" and a spotlight shines on my face. Now I understand why I need him. Now I know why I got to put my faith in him. And now I'm hitting myself and wondering why in the world I'm rebelling against God, why in the world am I rebelling against true happiness? And then I remember when I wrote in a post once: "Happiness is like perfume, you spray a little on others and get some on yourself in the process." This isn't even a biblical statement but I get it. When I make God happy, I become happy as well. When my "lifesong sings to" Him, and "brings a smile to His face" (Casting Crown: "Lifesong"), I 100% doubt anyone is going to say "and then I became sad." Doi! That's analogous to someone saying "I just ate all of Nancy's delicious home-made cheesecake a second ago and I feel so sad because I'm starving to death." Now how do I make God happy so that I can be happy too? And this is when someone's spiritual journey begins.

I know my best friend, the hard-core athiest I mentioned, will never truly be happy with the way her life is now. She may be stubborn and rebellious now, but someday...maybe many years later, I can reach out to her again and bring God with me, maybe then, she will finally stop saying "No one take control of my life but me" and just say "I think I need Help...I think I need my Father." I'm not giving up on her.

And now I'm saying to myself "I'm not giving up on Sister B" either. Yes, I've been hurt. Yes, I've been lied to. Yes, I've been feeling bitterness, hatred, anger, and all those bad emotions because of this situation with her. But this situation taught me an important lesson. And she taught me something. In a way, I've got to admire her strength and independence. She may not have a load of common sense or a load of interpersonal skills, but she's hella strong and kind of brave. In a sense, she's really not afraid of what anyone thinks of her or is that just naivety? I don't know but man, she's one tough cookie...or bread (sourdough bread anyone? I gave some to Steph). Even though she's leaving us officially, I want to make sure she leaves with the knowledge that she's...welcome to come back. She's welcomed here. Yeah, she's got a load of flaws, but so do we all- we just have the common sense to cover it better haha, no I'm just kidding. It's definitely not always common sense that we cover our flaws, most of the times, we do it out of love for each other and I know we all try to change for the better.

So yes. I've forgiven her. I haven't apologized to her yet, but I don't feel anger anymore. Just a little sadness (still feel a little hurt) and a little bit of my stubborness, but my bitterness and my hatred and all those bad bad emotions are kind of wearing off, and now I'm just tired but content.

Love,
Lily